Professor Nicolette Roman
Professor Nicolette Roman, a child and family wellbeing expert at the University of the Western Cape (UWC), reflects on methods of discipline for young children, especially when they are in the same household where different approaches to discipline are used. She spoke to Harriet Box.
Q: How does it affect the child in terms of discipline, development, and relationships with their parents when one parent is easy-going and the other is a disciplinarian?
A: Children can get confused and sometimes upset when their parents have different ways of parenting.
People may believe that the parent who is easy-going is more lenient, while the parent who is strict might be seen as too strict.
This can cause stress because the child may want approval or may simply get away with things with the less strict parent, which could lead to rebellion against the strict parent.
In terms of development, this can make it harder for children to internalise rules and limits, which could affect their ability to control themselves.
Children may also have trouble getting along with both parents if they see one as the "good cop" and the other as the "bad cop."
Q: How can having vastly different parenting styles affect the parents’ relationship with each other?
A: The connection between parents may be put under stress when they have vastly different approaches to parenting, which can result in arguments, confrontations, and emotions of animosity towards the children. Because of the disciplinarian, the easy-going parent could have feelings of being undermined or criticised, while the disciplinarian might have the impression that the easy-going parent is abandoning their obligations.
This lack of congruence in parenting practices has the potential to destroy trust and communication between couples, which may ultimately lead to strife within the marriage if it continues.
Experts suggest that different parenting styles significantly impact parents' relationships. Parenting styles can be divided into four dimensions: disciplinary strategies, warmth and nurturance, communication, and expectations of maturity.
These dimensions combine to form four main types: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and uninvolved. An authoritative parenting style has a strong impact on the support and cohesion within the parent's relationship. This is due to authoritative parents' high levels of support and involvement, which can increase support between parents.
This style is beneficial for marital quality, as warmth and support are a strong predictor of marital quality. Written support strategies during conflict can strengthen the bond between parents due to their less emotional and more thought-out nature.
High levels of verbal communication about child-related issues are also found between authoritative parents, indicating a strong relationship type.
This method of discipline centred on communication and clear rules has been shown to increase support between parents over disciplinary strategy issues.
Considering the level of warm support and absence of hostility between authoritative parents, it is predicted that this style would have little negative effect on the parent's relationship.
Q: How can a different approach from each parent affect the family dynamics?
A: Divergent parenting styles may upset the delicate balance of power and authority in a family, causing a variety of detrimental effects. Triangulation, when the kid sets one parent against the other, is a key effect.
To evade repercussions or duties, manipulators may seek leniency from the more lenient parent or use parental conflicts. Thus, children may learn to exploit parental disagreement, eroding family unity and promoting manipulation and power struggles.
Differing parenting styles may also cause chaos and stress for the whole family. Misunderstanding rules, expectations and punishments depending on which parent is in control may cause irritation and worry. Children who fail to grasp and internalise limits may lack respect for authority and feel insecure about their household role.
The absence of cohesiveness may overwhelm and weaken parents, increasing stress and feelings of inadequacy. These dynamics degrade family relationships and stability over time, eroding trust and respect. Family members may become estranged and unable to communicate or bond without a consistent parenting style.
Different parenting styles may lead to strained parent-child connections, marital strife, and worsened family well-being. Thus, resolving parenting style discrepancies is vital for creating a happy, supportive family based on trust, respect, and understanding.
Photo by August de Richelieu - Pexels
Q: Can you offer some advice as to how parents can work together as a team despite different parenting styles, so as to soften the impact of conflicting opinions on the kids?
A: In relationships, honest communication is essential for building confidence and security.
Open communication between parents helps explain family norms. By discussing parenting ideals, beliefs and expectations, parents can quickly resolve disagreements and foster unity.
This requires attentive listening without judgement, and the honest, respectful expression of ideas and emotions.
Parenting together lets parents use each other's talents, experiences and insights to make smart choices and handle difficulties. This requires frequent communication, mutual support and a willingness to share parenting duties. Working together, parents may create a consistent, caring atmosphere that fosters child development and growth.
Collaborating on parenting tasks allows parents to use each other’s talents and insights, creating a consistent, caring atmosphere for child development. Balancing control and openness, parents enhance discipline effectiveness and promote an independent child.
Consistency in enforcing clear rules and limits is crucial for raising responsible children. It is crucial for good parenting and providing stability and predictability for children.
Parents should provide clear rules, limits, and expectations that are enforced in all circ*mstances. This consistency helps children grasp expectations, decreases misunderstanding and conflict, and builds trust in carers.
The constant application of rules and punishments reinforces the values and concepts parents want to inculcate in their children, helping them grow socially and emotionally. Setting clear limits is crucial for raising happy, responsible children.
Seeking professional assistance may be necessary if your parenting style is not working, especially when issues cannot be handled individually. A family dynamics and co-parenting therapist or counsellor may provide an objective viewpoint and enable positive interactions. Seeking help shows a dedication to child well-being and family harmony and cohesion.
