#76 -- Do not invite me to your funeral (2024)

#76 -- Do not invite me to your funeral (1)

I’m not great at keeping in touch with people. I have the best of intentions, I really think I do. But I also never know if people actually want to hear from me. So I tend to not reach out for fear of the other person saying, “Oh great. What does he want?”

It also has to do with the fact I hate talking on the phone. I’m a texter at heart. I don’t think I wouldn’t be in contact with most people if it weren’t for text. When email first came around, I was so excited. Here was a way to keep in touch, faster than regular mail, but it still felt like you were sending a letter. I still wanted to talk to people, just not “talk” to people.

The one exception to this was my mother. For one, she was my mother and I really had no choice. Two, she died before texting was a thing. And three, that woman loved the phone. God, how she loved to talk. But to her credit, she didn’t dawdle when talking to me. She called every day but it was the fastest “How are you? You need anything? Love you, Bye” phone call you could have. She just wanted to be in touch. By this point, all her children were spread across the country and she wanted to know how we were, if we were alive, if we needed anything. She was a good one. To be fair, she could also be a roaring hellcat with fangs and a fiery tongue when she wanted to be. But she loved me fiercely and everyone needs that from at least one person.

So my reticence to reach out was the reason I found myself doing an obituary search for a friend of mine from high school. I had not heard from them for some time, and while we weren’t day-to-day texters, we did keep in touch and I enjoyed our conversations immensely. I wanted to reach out, but then I thought, maybe they were not reaching out because they were glad to not talk to me.

Insecurities are hard to overcome.

I put my friend’s name out on the internet followed by “obituary” and held my breath. To my great relief, I did not find them. I did, however, find several obituaries for the same name. There were enough differences in them that I was able to suss out they were not my friend’s obit. But that got me to thinking — is there an obituary under the name Tim Burns? Turns out there are a whole lot of them. Granted it is a common enough name, but there were an awful lot of obits for my Tim Burns, what seemed an inordinate amount to be honest. This didn’t make me feel any better for a lot of reasons.

For one, I don’t want to die. I know on an intellectual level, it will happen, but I am hoping it is off in the future, like way in the future, way way in the future. I kind of like living. I have 10 more seasons of Suits to get through and a list of YouTube videos a mile long. Plus I’ve not mastered inclusions in my sourdough. Someone recently requested a lemon zest/blueberry bread and I haven’t even started figuring it out yet. I want to live long enough that the hair in my ears is longer than the hair on my head. Come to think of it, I’m bald. Shit… Okay, I want to live long enough to be able to write a Substack without curse words in it. That’ll be a long time at this rate.

Another reason? I don’t want an obituary. I am not a fan of them. They seem so insubstantial. And so very… nice.

“Rosemary Dawkins died peacefully in her sleep after 87 years on this earth. Blessed with three children, she was the bookkeeper at Allan’s Auto Parts for 50 years…”

Gag me.

Even the good ones that are honest seem too much of… something.

It’s hard to define, but I think it comes down to just not wanting that much attention turned upon myself. I realize that sending out a newsletter twice weekly is a desire for attention. And yes, I also realize I’ll be dead, so I’ll have very little say in the matter. But the idea of an obituary listing the highlights of my life in a column in a newspaper or online seems very weird to me.

And to get it out there now, and set the record straight, I do not want a funeral. Most of my close friends know this about me: I do not like funerals, don’t want to have my own, nor do I want to go to theirs. Let’s face it, they are creepy and depressing as fuck. And, once again, I do realize I’ll be dead. And yada yada yada, a funeral isn’t for the dead, it’s for the living. A chance for people to get together and mourn the loss of someone they cared about.

Well, I say to hell with all of that. If I die, and someone decides to have a funeral for me, do not go. Instead, go to a bar, get drunk. Or get laid. Or go to a Red Sox game. Better yet, just eat dinner with your family, watch TV and enjoy your evening.

My mother always said she did not want a funeral but they had one anyway. I relented and went because my brother told me I had to and well, I do what my brothers tell me to do. I’m just built that way. But I hated every goddamned minute of it. A bunch of well-meaning friends and family dressed up and sat in a church that as far as I knew, she had never been in. Maybe she had, I don’t know. As I’ve said, we didn’t talk much on the phone. But I do know she didn’t want a funeral. But they gave her one anyway, and I was a right and ripe asshole during the whole affair.

And I do not feel bad about it one bit.

No, when I die — if you are with me when it happens — please pull up to the funeral home, take any identification from my body, then push my carcass out the door and drive like a bat out of hell.

You can even keep the cash in my wallet.

Thanks for indulging me,

~ Tim

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#76 -- Do not invite me to your funeral (2024)

FAQs

What to do if you're not invited to a funeral? ›

While your presence at the service may not have been welcome, you are still allowed to express your condolences. Whether it's a sympathy card or a gift, letting your loved one's family know that they're in your thoughts is a good way of showing that you care without making a scene or disturbing their peace.

Is it disrespectful not to go to your grandmas funeral? ›

Funerals are a way for friends and family to say their goodbyes, reminisce, or grieve, and ultimately find closure. Choosing whether to attend is at the discretion of each individual, family member. Whatever you choose, know that it isn't disrespectful to not go to a funeral for personal reasons.

How do you say no to a funeral invitation? ›

How to let the family know that you cannot attend a funeral service
  1. Send a token such as a card, flowers or a plant.
  2. Write a letter.
  3. Send an email.
  4. Text your apologies.
  5. Talk on the telephone.

How do you tell someone not to attend a funeral? ›

In some instances, honesty is the most effective method. If a family member who has been at odds with others contacts you, explain that you would love to have them attend, but that you are concerned that doing so would create tension at the service.

Can you request someone not be at your funeral? ›

It's not possible to take out a court order to legally stop someone from coming, and the police are unlikely to get involved. They'll usually only step in if there's a history or threat of violence, or if there's already a restraining order in place against the person.

Can you go to a funeral without being invited? ›

As a general rule, everyone is welcome at a funeral and you don't need to wait for an invitation. This includes those who didn't know the deceased but would like to offer their support to the family or another guest. Witnessing a big turnout at a funeral is often a great source of comfort to the bereaved family.

What does God say about not going to a funeral? ›

For this is what the LORD says: "Do not enter a house where there is a funeral meal; do not go to mourn or show sympathy, because I have withdrawn my blessing, my love and my pity from this people," declares the LORD. "Both high and low will die in this land.

Is it a sin to not go to a funeral? ›

There is no obligation to attend a funeral, and you might find that you would like to say goodbye in your own way.

When should you not go to a funeral? ›

If for some reason your presence at the funeral will distract from the purpose of the service or make the family and loved ones of the deceased uncomfortable, then you would do well to skip the service. There are other appropriate ways express your condolences. You want to attend but the services are private.

How do you say no to an invitation without saying no? ›

Declining a Friend's Holiday Invitation
  1. “I apologize, but I am unable to attend. Let's talk tomorrow.”
  2. “Thank you for inviting me, but my brother invited me to a family dinner that night.”
  3. Hey! Thanks for inviting me. I'm sorry I can't make it. Work is hectic; I'm just crashing when I get home.
Dec 3, 2023

Are funeral invitations a thing? ›

Creating an invitation for a funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life. Include basic information about the ceremony and any connected events, and consider including your loved one's photo and/or a short statement about their life.

Why cant you say bye at a funeral? ›

While you could be used to saying “goodbye” to people upon your departure, avoid doing so at the funeral service as this is believed to be an invitation for the spirit of the deceased to visit you at home.

Can you stop someone from going to your funeral? ›

There's no legal way of banning someone because funerals take place in public places. The only exception is if the person who's banned from the funeral has a restraining order against them or has threatened someone attending the funeral. In this case the police may get involved.

Should I feel guilty for not attending a funeral? ›

Whatever the reason you can't attend, guilt is a normal feeling. But remember, you did not actually fail your loved one. Let the family know as soon as possible, and offer to help in another way. Say goodbye to your loved one on your own, to start the healing process.

Is a funeral necessary? ›

Are Funerals Mandatory? Funerals are not required by law, but when someone dies, their body must be buried or cremated. The family doesn't have to hold a funeral or memorial service if they would not like to.

Is it disrespectful to not go to a funeral? ›

The purpose of a funeral is to mourn the deceased and show support for their family. If you don't feel comfortable doing this then you are not obliged to attend a funeral. But, out of respect, you may want to let the bereaved family know you won't be attending.

Is it wrong to not go to a funeral of someone you don t know? ›

Attend the Funeral

Don't skip the funeral, even if you didn't know the person who died directly. If your co-worker, friend, or family member loses someone they love, be sure to attend at least one of the funeral events, whether it's a visitation, wake, or funeral service.

Is not having a funeral normal? ›

A common worry is that choosing not to have a funeral is wrong or immoral. Sometimes this is due to what's deemed as socially acceptable or what's expected in your culture. However, it is a personal decision, and you should do what feels right for you.

Why would someone want a private funeral? ›

To make it easier for them to mourn a loved one's loss

1 reason why they would prefer to hold private funerals for their loved ones as opposed to public ones. If you're worried about being distracted by others during a loved one's funeral services, you might want to go ahead and make your loved one's funeral private.

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